The Black Metal Saga

Chapter One

It all began in the small village of Crackstone. Darius Tyrone, a cleric of Bahamut and head of the local church/meth-lab, as well as owner of the local brothel, was just settling a deal with one of his regulars; a crotchety old dragonborn who went by the moniker of Ole’ Dirty Bastard, when he noticed the smell of something burning in the air.

Meanwhile, Varis the Death-Metal Ranger and his mage companion were fleeing the site of the church they had just ignited; and the married eladrin couple, Jebahdaiah and LeShaniqua were sitting down to a late breakfast of burnt pancakes in the local tavern. Moments later, the flames at the church engulfed the meth-lab in the basement, and the massive resulting explosion covered the town in illicit narcotics.

A team of guards arrived in the tavern shortly thereafter, where these six characters had happened to congregate. The guard captain left a man behind to ensure that no one left the scene, while he headed back off to the guardhouse to write up his report, promising to return later that evening.

Evening finally rolled around, and with it a thick white fog. Through the fog they could hear a moaning, which may or may not have been the whorehouse. The massive zombie horde that came bearing down on them through the fog, and the screams of the few remaining villagers in its path, soon revealed that these were not the sort of moans that most people would want to hear from a brothel.

Everyone immediately lept into action; their goal? To save the three remaining whores and survive the zombie onslaught. Darius initially thought to make his prostitutes defend him, but after a moment’s consideration, jumped between them and the thronging horde of undead. Jebahdaiah accidentally grabbed himself by the foot and was thrown among the zombies by the power of his unseen hand. Varis sniped zombie after zombie from the tavern’s second story, before jumping to the square below to help defend the whores. Wendy, the pirate whore, killed a number of zombies herself. Most of the villagers were slaughtered and eaten. LeShaniqua zapped a number of zombies with her beams of life-energy and grabbed a slab of meat from the tavern kitchen as the ordeal began coming to a close; and the Dirty Ole’ Bastard accidentally engaged in intercourse with and then purposefully (and apparently surprisingly) killed the single remaining guard.

In the end the three whores; Wendy the sex-pirate, Candy the classy escort, and Mistress Hope the dominatrix; had all survived. Everyone, with the exception of Darius, voted to free them from servitude and make them into full-fledged members of the newly-minted Adventuring Party/Motorcycle Club.

They then set off to Jebahdaiah’s ranch to see what they could salvage there.

Unfortunately, in the chaos of the zombie attack, the gate to the Rhinoceri enclosure had been opened. Jebahdaiah’s Rhinoceri had escaped and stampeded, destroying the entire homestead.

After quickly realizing that there was nothing to gain there, they set off toward the neighboring village of Howard’s Town, where Candy said she bought her cocaine, in an effort to acquire some for themselves.

Before they set out, Varis lit up his bowl of entirely-too-potent Cannabis De’la’Elf, and the entire party got stoned out of their minds.

On the way to Howard’s Town, they came upon a seemingly normal crossroads, but suddenly found themselves surrounded by aliens. LeShaniqua turned into a griffon (well, really she traded places with the griffon, and took control of it), but she had no idea how to be a griffon and she was high as fuck; so instead of doing anything productive, she fell over, continued to trip balls, foamed at the mouth, and tweaked out until she beat herself into unconsciousness. The party killed the aliens easily (except for one who was gored by a passing galloping dragon, and one who escaped) and then proceeded to laugh until they were sober (which took a damn long while). Once the effects of the Elf-Weed had worn off, they realized that the “aliens” they’d killed had actually been a family on a picnic outing. They cut up and buried the bodies, with the burial sites forming a pentagram symbol on a map; because that’s more metal than a smiley face; and then continued on to Howard’s Town.

They arrived to find the town in ruins, and were shortly set upon by zombies. LeShaniqua shot death-beams from her clit-piercing; the mage accidentally electrocuted himself, Darius, Wendy, and the Dirty Ole’ Bastard; everyone killed zombies; and they then realized that one of the villagers from Crackstone had survived and been travelling with them ever since the first battle. They interrogated the villager, whose name they found out to be Jesus Tiberius, and then voted to make him a full-fledged party/MC member.

After fending off the zombies they began to search the town for coke. Each of them found a mountain of cocaine. LeShaniqua, who had been Crackstone’s tattoo artist, found one ink; and the party/MC found a single survivor.

The survivor was an old man who introduced himself as “Ben”. He told them that he’d survived by hiding and eating his second daughter. LeShaniqua traded him some meth for his daughter’s bones. Ben begged them to stop the zombies, who had receded south with the mysterious mist; and then promptly overdosed on methamphetamine.

The Party/Motorcycle Club set off south after the zombie horde. They tracked them to an ominous looking cave, where they were attacked by a band of orcs. One of the orcs began debating the term “counter-discrimination” with Jebahdaiah; while the others mostly died. The Dirty Ole’ Bastard spent most of the fight hiding in the three foot wide by thirty+ foot deep stream they were next to. Jebahdaiah fell onto one of the orcs and it tried to rape him, while the educated brute attacked Varis but only managed to cut off its own foot. LeShaniqua shot some more death-beams at some other orcs, two of which hit to good effect, but one of which came out not as a beam of energy, but as a metal I-beam, which landed on Darius’s head, before sliding into the stream. Darius was knocked unconscious, suffered a fractured spine (which paralyzed him from the waist down), had his helmet knocked down into his armor (locking it onto his head), and lost three inches in height. Then the Dirty Ole’ Bastard lept from the water and threw his whip at the last orc, who became tangled, fell into the stream, and drowned. They stopped the bleeding of the remaining orc, whom they learned was Hahvahd educated, and who agreed to join them.

Shortly thereafter, a massive zombie horde began to emerge from the cave. The party turned to meet them. The Dirty Ole’ Bastard went charging at the throng full-tilt, while the others sat back and put down some ranged punishment. Darius was now being held aloft by LeShaniqua’s Mass Fly spell. They killed a few zombies in their opening attack, but not very many. That’s when a massive, supercharged zombie hulk came rushing out (crushing a few of its cohorts) to attack Jebahdaiah. Jeb and the others finished it off rather quickly (with Varis landing a powerful and punishing blow that resulted in himself, LeShaniqua, and Darius being doused in tainted zombie blood; though Varis immediately washed himself). One of Jebahdaiah’s Rhinoceri came charging through the battlefield at random. The Dirty Ole’ Bastard killed a number of zombies with his mighty dragon dick, and crowd-surfed on those that remained. LeShaniqua attempted to cast a trio of magic missiles at the zombies that weren’t holding up the Bastard, and two of the bolts hit, but the third misfired. Maintaining and casting any number of spells is intricate and complicated business, and some signals happened to get crossed in a moment of distraction, so instead of sending a bolt of arcane pain at the zombies, LeShaniqua accidentally launched Darius skyward with a tremendous and unhealthy deal of force. The last of the zombies were finished when Jesus came charging in and cut them down with his throwing-trout.

The party then continued on into the cave, following the mist to its source.

Inside they found a hidden jungle-glen, and a trio of vampires guarding a mysterious and bloody Altar-o’-Doom, from which the mist was most obviously emanating. Jebahdaiah cast a magic missile at the altar, to no effect. One of the vampires charged at LeShaniqua, only to trip and impale itself on an old tent-stake, causing it to dust instantly. Varis killed another of the vampires with an expert bowshot. The last remaining child of the night charged at LeShaniqua, grabbed her by the shoulders, bit deep into her neck, and flung her unconscious body across the cavern; before attacking Jebahdaiah. The attack would have hit, but Jeb was ready, he teleported away just as the vampire’s spiked chain was about to strike home. And he appeared right in front of a lurking dragon. The dragon attacked him as well, but the Dirty Ole’ Bastard chucked the orc’s shield at it, crippling one of its wings, and distracting it while Jebahdaiah turned invisible and snuck over to his wife. He stabilized her while Varis dodged around the vampire. All the while they could hear a faint whistling noise slowly growing louder. Mistress Hope, trained in Judo, tackled the vampire and attempted to pin him; while Candy, high as fuck on cocaine, charged at the dragon and cut off its one good wing. The vampire flung Hope across the cavern, where she collided with and pinned an invisible Jebahdaiah. Then out of nowhere, Darius came crashing to the earth, landing squarely on the vampire lord. Everyone was thrown back by the force of the impact. The resulting crater was lined with vampire goo. Darius had miraculously survived, though was now paralyzed from the neck down. Varis used all but three of his arrows to put down the now insane (thanks to LeShaniqua) and badly wounded dragon. And LeShaniqua and Jebahdaiah deactivated the Altar-o’-Doom.

Varis took the dragon’s skull as his armor. LeShaniqua took the knucklebones. And the Dirty Ole’ Bastard took its dick as his blade.

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